Wednesday, March 4, 2015

While I still have internet ... a free-form piece ....

This is something that just spilled out of my pen just now ... I want to preface this by saying what I wrote @ the bottom :  This is me.  This is my constant depression and self-anger.  If I could afford my medication, it would make me less irritable - more focused - maybe more able to complete tasks - but the sadness & overwhelming longing for my past, to relive RIGHTLY, would still be present.

I want to banish all the dark
   all the regrets -- all the dammed blown
-- Instead --
        I want to be a lovely young woman
           in perhaps that sleeveless lace dress w/ sandals
                with parents and a home and good grades!
                 living squarely
                              with the whole future, all of life, in
                               front of me
I want to round that corner
            and recreate my life - no
   live my life
   the way it should have! been lived!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thursday, February 19, 2015

The 'meat and sauce' Lent

I've always gotten a heavy feel in my stomach on those particular days in Lent when I've accidentally forgotten it's Friday!!! and, say, gone to Five Guys, or grabbed the wrong thing out of the freezer for micro-magic, or whatever ---

even tho yes it falls in the perfectly innocent///honest mistake! category, because --

because I'm pretty darnedy good with the whole Lent business, as far as recognizing it at all, especially at trying to making a concerted effort :  ashes, meatless days, maybe some type of special reading or devotional that focuses a soul on the miracle of Easter and what it means in so many countless lives!, that's upcoming!!!  

What actually started me thinking about this was, ironically something in another faith practice:  the start-up, again, of a Friday night at-home Bible study, where - yes, there is a format -- but really the experts are our own, lived experiences ....and, at the end of the formal study, there is always quite an extensive potluck - YUM!

Last year, as this bunked right into Lent's meatless Fridays, I snacked on things like cheese and crackers, radishes, some sweets ... and I was fine with that!  Let's be real:  it wasn't so much that I was stepping up for better health, and///or better Lent observance, but that I had untold opportunities to eat meat the rest of the week!

Life has changed; in many aspects, it has become what they call 'a real-life emergency' -- which in real-time means this:

I no longer make any purchase from the meat counter of the supermarket - because I cannot afford it.  Instead, my "meat purchases" are reflected in Prego spaghetti sauce with mini-meatballs (when it was 1.99 a jar), frozen ravioli's with meat inside the pockets (again, when it's a sale item of 2.99 or even less - otherwise, it's simply another exercise in 'wistful thinking') , an 88 cent micro-magic cheeseburger pizza .... The few times I've done things like go through McDonald's drive-through for one of there 2 for 1 price hamburger specials, I've felt as excited as a kid skipping out the front door on the afternoon of Halloween with an empty plastic pumpkin!!!

And so, I pondered this and here is what I've come up with:  that a place I go to, to alleviate the dark spots in my present life, is offering me another bright spot:  free, delicious, hot, FOOD! (including meat)  

And so, because this is what I'm seeing "deep down in my heart" (as well as deep down in my stomach) -- I'm going to put a smile on my face (as well as fill my tummy!) with what's offered on these Friday evenings!!!

Last week (pre-Lent), I found a huge stockpot of chili ... now, chili and I don't usually agree -- HOWEVER!  This chili had been made also with pasta - AND! - there were several types of incredibly rich and moist cornbreads along the sides :)

How satisfied was I with that, you ask ...??? ....

"Chili and cornbread time!" -- I had two plates!

And then (to try to erase my food insecurity more completely), I got this wicked idea:  

(a)  I have a winter coat with deep pockets (spoken from the memory of my father, a Depression-survivor partially through a special-made jacket he owned ...)

(b)   There's plenty of cornbread left over!

(c)  It's only me who is going to be eating this - I'm not asking anyone to 'resign themselves' to eating something that's been shoved in the pockets of my winter coat, after all!

Alas, as I made my way towards what for all intents and purposes for ME! was gold on a plate --

"JEAN! It's so GOOD! to SEE YOU!!!!"

No, no -- the person really was happy to see me, and had no idea what I was about to do ;)  ... unfortunately, they threw me off my game enough that it was only when I got back home, that I realized "oh NO! I forgot!!!" --

Ah, but it's almost Friday again :)

Wednesday, February 18, 2015

That haunting song at the beginning of a Law & Order episode is --

"Let Her Go"

Well you only need the light when it's burning low
Only miss the sun when it starts to snow
Only know you love her when you let her go

Only know you've been high when you're feeling low
Only hate the road when you’re missin' home
Only know you love her when you let her go
And you let her go

Staring at the bottom of your glass
Hoping one day you'll make a dream last
But dreams come slow and they go so fast

You see her when you close your eyes
Maybe one day you'll understand why
Everything you touch surely dies

But you only need the light when it's burning low
Only miss the sun when it starts to snow
Only know you love her when you let her go

Only know you've been high when you're feeling low
Only hate the road when you're missin' home
Only know you love her when you let her go

Staring at the ceiling in the dark
Same old empty feeling in your heart
'Cause love comes slow and it goes so fast

Well you see her when you fall asleep
But never to touch and never to keep
'Cause you loved her too much
And you dived too deep

Well you only need the light when it's burning low
Only miss the sun when it starts to snow
Only know you've been high when you're feeling low
Only hate the road when you're missin' home
Only know you love her when you let her go

And you let her go (oh, oh, ooh, oh no)
And you let her go (oh, oh, ooh, oh no)
Will you let her go?

'Cause you only need the light when it's burning low
Only miss the sun when it starts to snow
Only know you love her when you let her go

Only know you've been high when you're feeling low
Only hate the road when you're missin' home
Only know you love her when you let her go

'Cause you only need the light when it's burning low
Only miss the sun when it starts to snow
Only know you love her when you let her go

Only know you've been high when you're feeling low
Only hate the road when you're missin' home
Only know you love her when you let her go

And you let her go
Only know you love her when you let her go

Tuesday, February 17, 2015

One of the reasons I believe in the death penalty

Can you imagine what that does to a mother?'
Grant Blankenship/Post-Herald
Miriam Shehane holds a picture of her daughter, Quenette Shehane, in front of a wall of photos of other murder victims in her Montgomery office. After Quenette's murder in the '70s, Shehane became an advocate for the rights of the families of murder victims.
Miriam Shehane's daughter, Quenette, was abducted in 1976 as she was left a grocery store. Three men raped and murdered her. Wallace Norrell Thomas was sentenced to death and executed in 1990. Edward Bernard Lee was sentenced to life in prison without parole. Jerry Lee Jones, who testified against the two, received life in prison. Birmingham Post-Herald reporter Taylor Bright asked Shehane about capital punishment in Alabama. Here's what she had to say:
"I've always believed in the death penalty. I had always wondered in the back of my mind if I served on a jury and it was my responsibility to mete out the death penalty if I would be capable of doing it.
Now I know I would be capable of doing it, and I know why it is important. ...
Quenette was killed Dec. 20 and she was already accepted as a graduate student at Auburn University. She was going to teach grammar school. She loved children. She didn't have a prejudiced bone in her little body. She was bubbling over with energy, and it was all taken for nothing. Just for one little fling with a little white girl.
I don't hate blacks. I don't. These were three mean black people. But I do get tired of hearing about the poor uneducated black people on death row. Well, I'm here to tell you there are more whites on death row than there are blacks. ...
She got off work about 5:30 in the afternoon, after dark, and she went straight to the fraternity house. She got there, and her boyfriend was preparing the steaks and he realized he didn't have any salad dressing.
As she came out of the U-Tote-Em (store), she was abducted and was shoved into her car. She got under the steering wheel and she screamed. She was screaming. And the clerks admitted they heard her scream but didn't go out. They thought it was children playing.
So nobody went out to see what was happening, so they pushed her into the car and drove off and kept her for four or five hours, at least, raping her, and when they were all through with her, they decided she couldn't live because Wallace Norrell Thomas told them they had called each other by name so they had no choice but to kill her. ...
And when we found out when she was missing, I was praying all the way to Birmingham that she was warm, because it was so extremely cold. I can't remember ever a colder night in my life.
Then to have to find out when they found her body that she was stark naked and her body was frozen. And Jerry Lee Jones tells how they were shooting at her and how she was running through the briars and begging for her life saying, 'You're killing me.'
Now, can you imagine what that does to a mother?
If I dwelt on what I know she went through for five or six hours, and knowing people look at me and view me as out for revenge. Revenge for me would be for me to ask for the state of Alabama to make Wallace Norrell Thomas go stark naked and shoot at him in the coldest weather ever for about five hours. That would be revenge. But to put him in the chair and he's gone just like that is not revenge. That is justice. ...
I have been asked how I felt when he was executed and it was nothing but relief. I was hoping.
And I feel like if I knew the hour I was going to meet my maker, I would make amends for my sins and I would say I was sorry and beg the Lord to forgive me. So that was really what I was expecting from Wallace Norrell Thomas, because I knew without a shadow of a doubt that he was guilty."

Sunday, February 15, 2015

It's All About Purple: Summer Memories!!

It's All About Purple: Summer Memories!!: The hubs and I had a great summer. We shared some really wonderful moments, took lots of fun little trips, and this summer I learned ho...

Friday, February 6, 2015

That Kid! -- and -- The Nissan Commercial

I just went to watch a video on YouTube and jeez, even here you have ads!  But at least, in most cases, you can skip the ad after four seconds ... and I was planning on doing so, like always, until

Until I heard the song they were playing.

I didn't watch the Stupor Bowl this year, so I had no idea that Nissan came out with this video montage that was a takeoff on "Boys Life", playing Jim Croce's 'Cat in the Cradle' ... once I heard that song, I gasped and was glued to the screen --

-- and I started thinking about That Kid.  Not the one in the video -- but a guy I first met in the late 80s I'll call That Kid ...

I worked with his mother.  She was divorced, had two kids (one of each) ... and ... let's say the situation wasn't good, in several aspects:  the divorce had been brutal and ugly and spun out of control all over the kids; the mom was living at the hovering edge of poverty level; and oh yeahhh ... once the divorce happened, the father reluctantly paid support but when it was his time to pick up his kids, he basically shuffled them off on his parents or his new wife and completely detached.

One day, That Kid came running into his mother's room, about scaring her into next Tuesday, and said - MOM!  THERE'S A SONG ABOUT DAD AND ME! -- Yeahhh, it was 'Cat in the Cradle'.  And he sent it to his Dad, doing it how we did it back then:  he taped it on to a cassette recorder from the radio.

And Dad had no reaction.

Now, That Kid was genius level smart ... but even tho I attended his graduation party, my congratulations were kind of forced -- because I was afraid I'd seen this movie before and knew how it ended:  he was going to end up like so many of us that there were high hopes for -- and then they crash and burn into obscurity, into alcoholism, into some dead-end job like happened to his mother when her own dreams melted like a crayon on a July day ... Sure, sure, he graduated top ten in his high school class ... and ... oh, Christ!  He's going to go to some rinky-dink college that you never really heard anyone notable come out of, because his father was kicking up a fuss about even paying for half of it, and his mother was trying to get bank loans and desperately appealing to her wealthy parents, who really didn't want to help her because she had "messed-up" in the following areas (pick one ...) ...

Yeahhh ... I figured That Kid would be some lost older-adult version of his present self :  the guy with the socks lost under a couch that could make you evacuate a room (according to his mother), the 'he's not a looker' guy with the thick glasses and slight tummy (I think The Kid was even starting to lose his hair in high school, actually!) ....

So mebbe a week or so ago, something reminded me of his mom (she and I, that's a whole other blog post ...) and I wondered about That Kid ... and - I'll be honest here! - I was already depressed and figured, when I did find him on Facebook or through Google, the movie would end the way I figured it would - the way I've seen it far too many times to count! - and being already in a morose state of mind, what better thing to look for, right?!!  (May I add -- his mom and I kept in touch, and, she's passed away now -- so that's why I didn't know whatever happened to That Kid of yours, the Mensa guy ??? ....)

I about fell out of my chair.

The Kid has gone now to three colleges because - please, put your seat belts on! - he is now a PhD!  He's published!  He teaches at a college!  He's married -- and a homeowner, too, may I add!

They had his photo, 'in living color', next to the blurb about him completing his Doctorate.  I sat here and I cried my heart out, because,

The Kid had overcome everything - he had even overcome 'Cat in the Cradle' - and is living the dream ... he made it!  My God almighty, he made it!!!!!!!!!!

Guess I'd better start calling him Dr. The Kid, ya know ;)

My child arrived just the other day
He came to the world in the usual way
But there were planes to catch, and bills to pay
He learned to walk while I was away
And he was talking 'fore I knew it, and as he grew
He'd say, "I'm gonna be like you, dad
You know I'm gonna be like you."

And the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon
Little boy blue and the man in the moon
"When you coming home, dad?" "I don't know when
But we'll get together then
You know we'll have a good time then."

My son turned ten just the other day
He said, "Thanks for the ball, dad; come on, let's play
Can you teach me to throw?" 
I said, "Not today, I got a lot to do." 
He said, "That's okay."
And he walked away, but his smile never dimmed
And said, "I'm gonna be like him, yeah
You know I'm gonna be like him."

Well, he came from college just the other day
So much like a man, I just had to say
"Son, I'm proud of you. Can you sit for a while?"
He shook his head, and he said with a smile
"What I'd really like, dad, is to borrow the car keys
See you later; can I have them please?"

And the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon
Little boy blue and the man in the moon
"When you coming home, son?" "I don't know when
But we'll get together then, dad
You know we'll have a good time then."

I've long since retired, and my son's moved away
I called him up just the other day
I said, "I'd like to see you if you don't mind."
He said, "I'd love to, dad, if I could find the time
You see, my new job's a hassle, and the kid's got the flu
But it's sure nice talking to you, dad
It's been sure nice talking to you."
And as I hung up the phone, it occurred to me
He'd grown up just like me
My boy was just like me

And the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon
Little boy blue and the man in the moon
"When you coming home, son?" "I don't know when
But we'll get together then, dad
We're gonna have a good time then."Writer/s: CHAPIN, HARRY F./CHAPIN, SANDY

Thursday, February 5, 2015

The temp job at the "record company"

No, no Hollywood story here!  This was a music distribution warehouse that was in a gritty industrial hub of central Jersey ... now, there are at least two very good stories I can tell about my temp assignment there, doing data entry - here's one:

Temp secretary - I go in wearing my wool plaid skirt and sweater, and --

I look like I fell off the bus from Iowa, actually, instead of being a Jersey girl ;)  because even the women in there 50s dress like an MTV video ;) .... My immediate supervisor, who is male, takes one look at me and - besides instructing me in what exactly I have to type into the computer - gives me one, Don't Break THIS!, rule:  On Friday, when my time card has to be signed, never EVER go to his office ... he will come to my desk.

Sure, pal, whatever you say ....

This is a fairly long assignment ... and ... for almost a month of Friday's, he appears at my desk, smiles, thanks me for my work, and signs my timecard.  And then --

There is this particular Friday he doesn't show.  Oh, he's there in the company ... but he doesn't show.  And I'm getting antsy, for two reasons:  IT'S FRIDAY! and - the temp agency is only open so late, and I doubt he wants to pay overtime, so - LET'S GO!

So I start to ask around ... and I'm pointed into this long, rectangular room, which is somewhat storage (i.e. that's how I learned who The Nine Inch Nails were) and somewhat cubicles - "he's at the very end, hon" ....

I walk back there - and I can see him, sitting in his chair, yakking on the phone - and into his office, and --

Wall to wall nudie photos, and not all from magazines, either - some were obviously personal shots, a few of the up and coming (pun intended!) female stars, which they had ever so graciously signed to him!!!

"Excuse me" I started to say

He dropped the phone, and went bright red, and choked and stammered, and


He was always there EARLY on Friday, after that ;)

Wednesday, February 4, 2015

Monday, January 26, 2015

Monday, January 19, 2015

What they choose - a blog post I probably shouldn't write!

I went to check my email this morning and found the most recent blog post from Kate Gabrielle, AKA Scathingly Brilliant - oh boy, love her!  Her love of animals, her way of dressing, the style of films she prefers, her room! - the aunt she introduced to us that we all fell in love with!

She's going to stop blogging.

Ok, it's not like she's vanishing off the face of the earth!  She wants to concentrate on her artwork (she has an etsy shop) & move on to other endeavors.

Good for her!

Grrr for me!  An already upset and queasy morning tummy has turned completely sour ... as has my morning, where I'm trying (perhaps desperately!) to hold on to good things, despite realities in my face --

The last time I felt this in the pit of my stomach about a blogger leaving was when Young House Love decided to stop.  Sure, sure - they now have two small children, and many other successful endeavors to pursue --

-- and at the same time it felt -- abrupt.  It felt like -- gee, I thought we were friends?! - and now I'm sitting here thinking things to myself like -- (a) dammit to hell, have I done the Jeannee thing where I think someone is my friend, but they're really not?! (b) far darker thoughts -- were you really using and relying on this friendship so that you could do that odious thing there is now - 'building your brand' - and then, when I was no longer needed -- ?!!!????

It makes me slightly gunshy about following and loving other bloggers -- something I know I've experienced with making online friends into "real friends": the fallout at times has been literally overwhelming and life-altering, and not in a positive sense ;-  Whenever that has happened to me (and I've been online since 1996, so it's happened a few times!), I have to sit down and remind myself - name the names - of people I've met online who haven't been that way:  who have become true friends!!!

And I suppose I should do the same about people's blogs and vlogs I follow that fall in that category - certainly, I Love Purple!, who is a frequent commentator on this blog, is one of those persons :)

& yet ... & yet ... I'm afraid of the jinx factor.  I'm afraid that - should I do so - they'll just go away, too.  Like the daily vlogger from the New England states who created visual masterpieces to music... and who left after a life-changing event of her own (which is a common thread, I've noticed) ... Or another daily vlogger who still vlogs, but just not as often, because she's married a real dog and she doesn't want to show that side of him, so she doesn't record when he's in full bad-dog mode - which is stinking, lousy sad!

I know, I know :  pray for them, pray for all of us....

And I shall, certainly ... but I have to get there first ....

... and right now, I'm just the girl with the sour stomach & sad soul.

Saturday, January 3, 2015

You'll never, ever guess what I found online ... a true story!

Real estate agents have this thing about not wanting to photograph a house for sale until it's been prepped.  Sometimes, when a house is half lived in, half being packed up AKA a tornado hit the inside?! ... they will go ahead and take pictures anyway.

28 of them, as a matter of fact.  That you can make BIGGER.

Just for shits and grins, as they say, I entered my old address into the Google search engine:  3121 Prichard Drive, Lexington, KY.  The very first thing that came up was a Zillow site that contains every single last photograph from approx. 3.5 years ago, when I finally was forced to sell (the second house I was forced to sell in less than a half dozen years, and isn't THAT something for a psychiatrist's couch?!).

It evoked so many memories for me - of living there, of things I own and where they're presently at - as well as a "good God almighty?!  when did this happen?!!  the place I swear to God! on a day to day basis, didn't look LIKE THAT!  I swear, I swear!"

Go on, I know you want to ... and ask me anything you want to - like - that horrible orange-red in the bathroom?  > inherited from the previous owners!

Thursday, January 1, 2015

Tamera Beardsley: Crowning Ourselves

Tamera Beardsley: Crowning Ourselves: Happy New Year my friends! I am on a mission this year to help inspire us all to remember to Crown Ourselves! Whether it be liter...