Saturday, October 4, 2014

Brought low .. is it jealousy, or is it 'just' sadness???

I've always bonded well with other women - especially people's moms, and aunts, and such ... and as my life has gone along, I've bonded especially well with women in my own type of situation:  you were the best mother you could be, and whaddya get?  Rotten kids!  Dysfunctional, mentally ill, addicted - whatever the label, the type of adult children you pray for incessantly and mebbe go to support groups for, too ....

A friend of mine just ushered me into her home to meet her son's new girlfriend - and gave me a glowing review of this young woman, too, on the side .... her knockabout son - not the worst of the lot, mind you - seems to be settling down to a more polite, more Mom-helpful, and more loving and definitely more physically present, adult child, and this girlfriend of his seems to be helping that along - like the left hand to the right hand:  one works better if you also have the other ....

Politely, I had to excuse myself ("boy, its getting COLD out here!") because I didn't want to start crying all over my friend - we'll call her Anastasia, mother to four - one devoted, one out there but at least he calls on holidays, one definitely lost - and now, this one, this turnaround child --

Am I jealous, Lord?  Or is it 'just' sadness and an aching feeling - a scab picked off a wound - that I'm all by myself, and I've been reminded of it, and its a wound that goes to the very depth of me...

Last week in Confession the priest spoke to me about taking my eyes off distractions and focusing solely on God, who Loves me Best Of All .... and I've been trying, and praying to - I have! --

-- but then I see Anastasia's blessing come home (quite literally) and I want to cry my broken heart out. 

Maybe that's what I need to do:  cry, empty it, and make more room for God, who Loves me Best Of All.

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